If My Horses Had Dating Profiles

Let’s face it… if our horses had dating apps, we’d all save a lot of time. The drama? There for all to see. The red flags? Bolded. The commitment issues? Oh, honey. They’re in full bloom.

So for your entertainment (and mild public shaming), here’s how our current lineup would present themselves on the equine version of Tinder… or maybe Farmersonly.com, let’s be honest.

Name: Jack

Bio: Emotionally unavailable, but hot.

Looking for: Someone who won’t flinch when I spook at my own reflection.

Interests: Standing tied like a gentleman until no one’s watching. Trail rides that turn into therapy.

Red flag: I’ve been “almost ready” for a show since 2021.

Name: Moxie

Bio: Sweet, reliable, and perfect… until you get cocky.

Looking for: Children, nervous adults, or anyone who still uses two reins.

Interests: Babysitting beginners. Exposing overconfident riders. Teaching humility with precision and grace.

Red flag: The more you know, the more I expect you to prove it.

Name: Wick

Bio: Pretty boy with a petty streak.

Looking for: Someone who won’t be offended when I run from them for sport.

Interests: Starting barn drama. Rolling in mud immediately after being groomed. Stirring up the mares just to watch it unfold.

Red flag: Looks like a calendar model, smells like a swamp. That’s just balance, baby.

Name: Molly

Bio: Sweet, sensitive, and still thinks she’s a celebrity.

Looking for: A drama-free pasture and someone who’ll tell me I’m pretty. Often.

Interests: Bonding over snacks, running just because I can, and being unfairly bullied by literally everyone.

Red flag: I used to be a racehorse, and yes, I will bring it up. Frequently.

Name: Trout (yes, the dog… he insisted.)**

Bio: 100% good boy. 0% respect for personal property.

Looking for: Literally anyone with snacks.

Interests: Running security, being photogenic, and emotionally manipulating strangers.

Red flag: Will abandon you without hesitation for a peanut butter cracker.

So yeah… welcome to Dead Broke Colt Company, where the horses have more personality than most dating apps and the dog thinks he owns the business.

Swipe right if you’re brave.