The Ranch Aches and Pains User Manual

(Or: Why You Wake Up Every Day Feeling Like You Got Hit By a Truck You Drove Yourself)

Welcome to ranch life. Where horses stay sound longer than humans, and ibuprofen is basically it’s own food group.

If you’re new here, don’t worry… your official Aches and Pains User Manual is below. This will help you decode what each pain means and how to respond (spoiler alert: the answer is usually “ignore it and keep working”).

Stage 1: The Morning Shuffle

Symptom: Waking up and walking like a rusty wind-up toy.

Diagnosis: Slept wrong, or maybe just slept… with absolutely no movement for the entirety of your unconsciousness.

Treatment: Hot coffee, hot shower, hot attitude. Prognosis: Eventually works itself out around noon.

Stage 2: The Midday Mystery Pain

Symptom: Sudden sharp pain in your back/hip/shoulder/foot for literally no reason.

Diagnosis: Unknown. Could be from unloading hay or sneezing wrong.

Treatment: Grunt, groan or grumble loudly, rub it for 4 seconds, carry on.

Prognosis: May last a few days but you’ll survive.

Stage 3: The Fence Climb Reminder

Symptom: Bruise on shin that you forgot about until now.

Diagnosis: You tried to gracefully climb the fence yesterday.

Treatment: Accept your fate. Will change colors and entertain you for a week.

Prognosis: You’ll survive (and with less irritation from everyone asking what’d ya’ do to your leg if you wear jeans until it’s gone)

Stage 4: The “Horse Stepped on Me in October” Ache

Symptom: Dull ache in a foot/toe/ankle that never quite healed.

Diagnosis: It lives here now.

Treatment: Mentally file under “part of me now” and ignore.

Prognosis: you may limp but you’ll be fine.

Stage 5: The End-of-Day Full Body Betrayal

Symptom: Everything hurts. Muscles, joints, eyelids.

Diagnosis: Existed.

Treatment: Sit down for 3 minutes. Accidentally fall asleep. Wake up confused.

Prognosis: you’ll live… get used to it… it’s part of life.

Bonus Stage: The Weather Forecaster

Symptom: Old injury starts hurting.

Diagnosis: It’s about to rain.

Treatment: Put on your jacket. You are officially more accurate than the news now.

At Dead Broke, we don’t complain.

We laugh, limp, slap some vet wrap on it (kidding… kind of), and keep going.

Because the horses need fed, the gates need fixed, and frankly, nobody’s got time to be delicate out here.

You’re not broken.

You’re just seasoned.

Dead Broke Colt Company

Where we train horses and collect minor injuries for fun.